I really do hate the fact of not having a proper internet connection at my apartment. Who would of thought that I would be so dependent on it but the truth is having no internet is like having no air, food, or shelter. It’s funny really, I am sitting at the kitchen floor right where the trash can is and that’s where I get the best signal. I’m stealing my neighbor’s wifi and you think by now he/she should have the network on secure mode. Robert is still on his Tahoe trip and I thought I take this opportunity to update my journal. I’ve been getting pretty good at updating too. I did had a blog before but it was if anything less serious and personal. I suppose what inspired me to get back in the habit of writing has to do with Shelly. “I don’t know anything about you” she said that night. “I don’t trust you, which is why I don’t open myself up to you.”
She’s right you know, she doesn’t know anything about me. I for one don’t really know anything about myself either. Sometimes I carry out my day as an empty vessel or someone who just blends into the background by absorbing various of personality and energy. And as ontological as this may sound, I’m still trying to figure out who I really am. Also again with this idea of “trust”. Well…whatever this notion of “trust” is, I think trust is something you build as time progressed within the relationship. You can’t expect to just fully trust someone within a short amount of time. I’m normally not the type of person to just simply give my trust away to someone that quickly, which is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends that I can emotionally give myself to. Which is a good and bad thing on my part. Good because I am able to free myself from any personal constraint thus human emotion tends to hinder my long-term goals but bad because that makes me extremely selfish and I wont be able to develop that emotional intimacy with another human being. At least that’s what I think and everyone is entitle to their own opinion.
So here I am sitting on the kitchen floor eating an Asian Pancake and drinking Corn Silk Tea. What I really want is a bottle of vodka and a cigarette wearing a fedora hat so I can put myself in that whole 1920’s F. Scott Fitzgerald mindset. But Asian food will suffice.
I’ve been thinking about this many nights ago about the whole deal of “Love Hates Relationship” dilemma. Of course I really don’t want this journal to be dedicated on nothing but fail relationships, but the sooner I write whatever it is I’m going through the quicker it’ll take for me to fully heal. Consider it therapy.
Anyhow, I’ve been thinking about couples who started out hating each other but in the end love each other. Though unhealthy as this sound, this might actually work in the long run so bare with me for second. If you start out hating this person, you become desensitize by the person constant bickering, bitching, nagging, “why don’t you share me anything about your life” ordeal…essentially every flaw that you think you may have. And because of this, both you and your mate is able to converse with each other about serious matter without being surprised about anything. In other words, direct communication is obviously apparent which unfortunately some couples don’t have and thus the turmoil relationship is bound to end. I think that was the problem with me and Shelly. But lets just, hypothetically speaking, the two “couples, or hater” decided to put their differences aside and begin to like each other again…they already establish this “bond”, a bond that is not sugar-coated but rather a bond this is able to speak honestly and truthfully about each other flaws without the need to become overly-sensitive. Why? Well because the two has already gone through this “hate” phase. You or your significant other is already aware of each other bad habits and thus are more in tune with each other feeling. You see what I’m saying? How does this apply to me? Not sure. Is Shelly and I going to get back together? I really don’t know. Most likely not.
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