What am I doing with my life?

It's currently 10:28 am and I'm in my room thinking...thinking really hard about my life at this moment while Davis students are currently taking their final. I want to scream, dare I say it I want to scream "FUCK!" in my room and want everyone know how horrible of a quarter this is. But of course that would be foolish and my roommate across the hall would think I've gone mad with anger. So as an alternative I decided to be civil and transcribed my emotions on this mediocre blogsite.

I came into this University as a way of bettering myself. I told myself that I will thrived in all areas in academia, have a balance social life, and at the same time have a healthy relationship with someone. Out of those three criteria I've only managed to fulfill 1.5 out of the three. Should I elaborate? Sure. This is only for my eyes and I think its best as if writing this all down is a way of venting and putting things in perspective.

I'm quite aware that I am not a superior scholar. If anything I range somewhere now from a "B" to "C+" college student, a gpa of 3.2 if anything. I have high dreams that is far from my reach. I make empty promises to myself and sometimes to other's including my family and friends. I put on a fake smile so that I can have a sense of social acceptance. I played the nice guy card so I could be admired and like. This is not who I am. "Vincent you're always so happy and smiley" Linda said to me yesterday. Clearly, this is not true. The truth is I am not more than mere fascade.

Anyhow let's not go off on a tangent. This quarter I am taking four classes which totals up to 13 units. Plant Science 1, Asian American History, Stats, and Biochemistry. Plant Science (passed), Asian American (don't know yet since final is tomorrow), Stats (D), and Biochemistry (F). This is my first quarter in Davis. This is my first quarter system if anything. The truth is I didn't put enough time into my studies. I'm not going to make fuck up excuses and say "but oh! It's your first quarter here...you're new here." Fuck that. I don't give a fuck about this being any transitional phase. I got too distracted with a lot a shit (clubs, friends, the whole social scene) and didn't realize the importance of my demising GPA. I take full responsiblity for my actions. But then again, do I really want to? I want to blame for not having internet. I want to blame my "sorry-excuse for a stats teacher" for having a thick-ass accent. I want to blame my brother for his drug habit and getting our family worry. I want to blame my fucking passive-push-over personality. I want to blame Shelly.

Shelly.

Why is this girl so important to me? I've only known her for less than two months but why does she still leave a mark on me? I told myself that I would forget about her and cut all ties with her. That day I gave her the pointsettias was a way of me saying "Goodbye and thanks for everything". But no, I'm stilled cling onto the past. Could it be she's my first? I think that has something to do with it. I'm aware that she's not your typical nice girl. She at times can be a bitch. But there's something about her that still draws me near to her. Her independence. Her ability to just don't give a shit what anyone thinks. She know's what she wants. She knows that she doesn't like her life in Davis and is willing to to do something about that. Move to Tahoe if anything. Despite that she may have disturbing past or whatever shit she may go through, I still care about this girl and willing to put my heart down for her.

"But Vince...you don't even know me. You don't have any emotions...the only emotions I can only get out of you is the fact that you act like a 13 year old boy."

That still hit me even till this day. I think she's right. Before I came into Davis, I wasn't all happy and jovial about everything. I did it as a way of networking. Also part of it has to do with the fact that I wanted to cheer Shelly up since she's always seem so sad (at least that's what I'm getting from her). So what do I do? I put on this "immature-Asian-anime-lets hold up peace sign when taking purikuri photos" demeanor. It was bad.

We broke up. But I still miss her. I miss her intimacy, both physically and emotionally. Every time she comes behind and kiss me...it feels good. The idea of having another human being next to you is something I can't describe right now. I want her back in my life. No. I have to move on.

I feel that I let my parents down. Here they are working 24/7 at the Nail salon in the freezing Chicago weather, inhaling harmful substance, and pretending to enjoy a casual conversation with their customers as their hands are worn and covered in callouses. Where is my contribution? I haven't given back. I don't want to be just some boy who leeches off their parent's money for college tuition.

I need to develop a tough skin. Strong and bold on the inside. "Vincent...how are you suppose to save lives if you don't trust yourself" a best friend told me once and it will forever resonate my heart. I lack trust in myself and importantly love for myself. I will not waver. Winter quarter 2010 is my quarter.

Fuck you empty promises. I'm done.

-Vincent